Worst Thanksgiving Ever!

Despite Christmas’ strangle hold on the fall through winter seasons, Thanksgiving remains a hallowed tradition here at MTR the Network. And while we applaud creativity in the culinary arts, we are also the first to point out there is a limit. I have done my best to sit quietly as random relatives choose to replicate things they’ve seen in magazines or found somewhere on the internet. It’s gotten better over the years but there are certain trends that have caught on nationwide that need to be addressed for what they are: a bowl full of nightmares. What follows is a list of side dishes that should no longer be tolerated under any circumstance at your Thanksgiving dinner. Happy Holidays!

Party Potatoes

Mixing a glob of sour cream into perfectly good home style mashed potatoes should be outlawed. I will never understand why people enjoy this weird version of a classic holiday side dish. There’s nothing appetizing about it! No matter how much butter you use, there is always that sour flavor front and center to remind you that life is nothing but a lie dressed up to look like something else. My family has served this style at every Thanksgiving since my birth, possibly even before that. I haven’t eaten mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner since I was 12 years old.

Swedish Meatballs

What sane person serves these fucking things at Thanksgiving!? All that wonderful, homemade food sitting around the table and off to the side is a slow cooker full of processed, flavorless meat sitting in a random sauce. Hard pass, even at acceptable holiday meals.

Spiced Mushrooms

I don’t know many people who enjoy mushrooms to begin with but many of the ones I do know who like them agree, over spicing is a routine crime that goes unchecked daily. I’m not saying seasoning is a bad thing, I’m just saying if your side dish contains more oregano than mushrooms, throw it out and try again.

Steamed Brussels Sprouts

The best way to clear out that heartwarming food smell looming in your kitchen. Whenever people talk about the terrible smell Brussels sprouts produce, they’re talking about steamed Brussels sprouts. Not even bacon can make a bowl of farts seen appetizing.

Runny Creamed Corn

Creamed corn is great when it has the consistency of pudding. Unfortunately, many people think that means rice pudding. If your cream corn looks like something you hacked up the last time you had the flu, you used too much cream and served it way too soon. Cut back by half a cup and let your dish settle for at least 20-30 minutes before serving.

Baked Beans

When I think appetizing, can’t-resist-it Thanksgiving food, tiny lumps in a questionable brown sauce never comes to mind. Throw some bacon, BBQ sauce and sweet peppers in there and it’s a different story, otherwise keep your flavorless lumps away from my dinner table.

Anything from Whole Foods

You don’t need to spend much time looking around Whole Foods’ Thanksgiving menu to know it’s all trendy, mashed together nonsense. They may call their original menu classic, but everything has some weird twist to it. Pictured above is the “dry-brine spiced citrus turkey” you can get right now. Citrus… on a turkey. Even worse, their mashed potatoes boast parsnips in addition to a glob of sour cream. Pretentious, thy name is Whole Foods.